On Compassion & Empathy

Is compassion the same as empathy, the same as sympathy?

Not quite.

Compassion, says Brené Brown, "is a belief system that we have to commit to, about how we are going to treat ourselves and other people" (my emphasis). Empathy, she continues, is a skillset that we can learn and practice. 

Empathy is when we accompany a person in their pain, providing them with a loving presence that welcomes all, does not judge, does not fix, does not tell them not to feel the way they do. “We are with them while they are feeling their feelings,” says Marshall Rosenberg. We are not feeling their feelings, because when we ourselves are in pain we cannot be fully present to empathize with another.  

Self-empathy is when we recognize our difficult feelings, when we allow them to be by welcoming them, when we investigate them with a kind curiosity, and nurture that part of us that feels so tender. What Tara Brach and others call the practice of RAIN - Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture.

If compassion is a "belief system,” how do we acquire it? Where does it come from? What experiences lead us to it? The practice of empathy has something to do with cultivating compassion, as does neurobiology. 

In my experience over the years I've been practicing Nonviolent Communication (also known as Compassionate Communication), I've learned that receiving and giving empathy is an intentional practice of connecting to myself and to others through the universal language of feelings and needs. 

When I feel those wonderful feelings I so enjoy (and want more of!), I ask myself “What needs have been met that bring me to feel such joy, or calm, or excitement, or gratitude, or peace?” Is it that my need for connection, or understanding, or support, or relaxation has been met? 

And when I feel those difficult and unpleasant feelings such as sadness, or worry, or fear, or anger, what needs have not been met? Maybe I was needing safety and comfort, or understanding and appreciation, or communication and consideration? 

It is this experience of attuning to universal human feelings and needs that has cemented my trust in the transformative power of compassion. Giving and receiving empathy (whether to myself or to others) distinctly changes how I feel in the moment. 

Why? Well, research shows that compassion changes the way our brain functions! Compassion acts on our neural pathways, as well as activates the right hemisphere of the brain! 

The right side of the brain is activated by what Sarah Peyton calls “resonant language,” language that is about “be-ing,” such as naming feelings and needs. The left side of the brain is activated by the language of “do-ing,” such as identifying the strategies (actions) that meet our needs. Other “do-ing language” includes language that attempts to problem solve, give advice, criticize, or dismiss.

And, when we tell others how they feel we are using our left brain. Add a question mark (?) at the end of that feeling statement and you have just invited the right brain into the conversation! “Are you feeling sad right now because you would really like ….. ?”

Another use of resonant language that activates the right brain is metaphorical language, such as simile, a comparison using the word “like.” I was recently supporting someone who was facing a crisis of confidence. While exploring this person’s feelings with them, the image of a series of huge waves washing over them, like a tsunami, came to mind. So I tried it out to see if the image of the tsunami resonated for the person.

By comparing the magnitude of that person’s feelings to a tsunami, I invited this person into what Peyton calls “an experience of resonance.” Resonance, she explains, “is the experience of sensing that another human being fully understands and sees us with emotional warmth and generosity.” 

Resonance is like a string on a musical instrument resonating when another string is plucked. 
Like those two strings, resonance is relational. It is connecting. And connection is at the root of compassion.

When using resonance, I make a compassionate guess about the feelings someone is experiencing using a metaphor or image, and a ?. The person receiving my compassionate guess gets to say whether the language I used “resonated” or not. They get to decide.  

So, next time someone shares with you a difficult experience they are having, try resonance: give this person your full presence and attention, allow your right brain to get engaged, notice if an image comes up, or a metaphor, or a line from a poem. Make a guess in the form of a question. “Is it like a tsunami washing over you?” They will let you know if it resonates or not for them. 

The point is not to “get it right.” Chances are that even if the metaphor you used does not resonate for them, their own right hemisphere will light up! And they are likely to come up with a metaphor of their own, and to experience the comfort of feeling heard and understood! 

Brené Brown: The secret to having compassion
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCvhOqThYJ4

Tara Brach Leads a Guided Meditation: The RAIN of Self Compassion
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wm1t5FyK5Ek