No Regrets . . .

As I pursue a professional certification as an End-of-Life Doula, I came upon a book by Bonnie Ware, an Australian nurse who worked in palliative care with patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. 

In her book, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, Ware distills five top regrets expressed by the dying patients she cared for, based on interview recordings she did with them. Here are the five regrets she explores in the book (can read short excerpts from each at the bottom of this page):

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

As I read these five regrets, I thought of them as contemplation "prompts" to guide my own reflection about how I have lived my life, how I am living my life now, and how I want to live my life between now and the day I die. 

Had I read this book, say, ten years ago, I might have listed at least three of these regrets as my own. Truth is, I was not living "a life true to myself" as much as I am now. I was "working too hard" in the sense that I was working harder and harder, and feeling less and less joy. I am still working hard but in ways that nourish me. I was often not having "the courage to express my feelings,” and especially my most vulnerable feelings.  

As for #4, “staying in touch with my friends,” I had this tendency to wait for friends to get in touch with me, and then felt sad or disappointed if they didn't reach out to me as much as I wanted them to or in the way that I wanted. I had certain beliefs about myself, wrapped up in certain stories that I grew up telling myself, that prevented me from reaching out to friends and being proactive about meeting my need for connection. As I came to understand (and accept) that connection was super important to me, I also came to understand that I could be the agent for meeting this important need. So I no longer wait for friends to reach out to me. Not only does it make me happy to reach out to them, I know it makes them happy! And that makes me happy! 

And #5, “letting myself be happy,” it has been a lifetime journey to see myself as fully deserving of happiness simply because I exist. Because, like you, I am. And in that state of "being," we are interconnected and interdependent, and therefore we are not alone. Happiness is not the absence of pain, or suffering, or sadness, or disappointment. Happiness is not something we earn. In a way, happiness harks back to the previous 4 “no regrets.”
I think that if we can focus on 1 through 4, #5 takes care of itself. Let’s give it a try? 

Excerpts from The Top Five Regrets of the Dying by Bonnie Ware

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

"This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it." 

2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

"This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence."

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

"Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

"Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying."

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."